Thursday, August 14, 2008

Life Skills I Have Barley Acquired: Part One of an Unlimited Series

i am the worst driver on the planet. bar none. i'd entrust a crusty eyed monkey with half an arm, while under the influence over me. hide your children.


So, the lovely little tidbit above came from the sheer frustration of being South-Western Ontario's worst driver. As a little background information, I was practicing for my G test which I did this morning. And, SHOCKINGLY the practice did not go well. Mom had been attempting to re-teach me to parallel park and back into a parking space since I had neglected to even attempt to do this before my last G2 test 4 years ago. The second time (also, the time I passed) I did my G2, the man was incredibly apathetic about what I did. We drove around for about 5 minutes, he asked me what way I would turn my wheels if I was parking uphill with a curb, had me go back to the drive test centre, signed his name, wiped his nose and said "good enough" and left. Encouraging. I assume that the man was probably hung over, or, let's be realistic since it was Owen Sound, drunk. At the time, I wished him to be showered with blessings and fluffy kittens from heaven, but now I just realized that he set up of a lifetime of allowing an incompetent asses, such as myself, legally out on the roads.

Long story short, in usual Kayla fashion, I put off practicing for my G and decided to dick around and put in the least amount of energy humanly possible. On Tuesday, Mom suggested we go out and start practicing since the date was coming up quickly. Instead, I decided that going to cheap night in Owen Sound to watch Pineapple Express was a FAR better idea, and that I'd practice highway driving on the way there. Did I do any of this? Well, besides gaining the knowledge that Pineapple Express is the GREATEST CINEMATIC ACHIEVEMENT OF ALL TIME, no. I will never change.

So, being frustrated with the fact that on Wednesday when I finally gave in and tried to learn, I sucked. Sucked so hard the universe caved in on itself. Mom being frustrated with the fact that she raised a drooling, knuckle dragging ape, asked my Dad, King of the Highway, to teach me. After all, he pretty much drives around for a living (along with this title comes "Badass") so we set off. Long story short, I ended up crying about how my brother and sister (both who are younger than I am) can drive perfectly and I am "retarded" and can't do anything. I yelled about not having any life skills, how I was moving to a place with a subway, and how I was not having any kids because it's cumbersome to fit all six of them on a subway with me (bananas).

I treated myself to a good old fashioned pity party, complete with laying in bed and watching Sex and the City. Oh Carrie Bradshaw, how your fictional terrible life choices ease my troubled mind.

This morning I grabbed life by the balls, woke up early, practiced a bit and set out to Walkerton. Every time I came to an intersection, slow folks with no where to go would cruise across intersections; I mildly tapped the curb while parallel parking; I turned a three point turn into a four point adventure. And yet


Mad props to:
Dad, Mom, Mom's friend Monica for showing her a better way to back into a parking space, Seth Rogan, buckets of Coke you get from the movie theatre, Celebratory McDonald's (shout out to my mom x2), and, most of all, Curly haired lady from the Drive Test Centre. May your life be full of joy for bestowing upon me the gift of never having to prove I'm competent again until I am the ripe old age of 80.


Greg said...

HAHAHA Kayla I love you
I assume that there's some sort of story attached?

Greg said...

Thanks for the update

Mark333 said...

This made my life.